I worked as hard as I ever could.
I snared more kiddies than the rest.
My ice cream and lollies were the best.
But there’s a recession in my industry
and now there’s no more work for me.
Although my references are stellar,
no one wants their kids locked in the cellar.
Creepiness and cruelty are non-transferable skills.
I’ve had to sell my cart and nets just to pay the bills.
With experience in catching, I applied to join the cops,
but criminals are cunning and not lured with lollipops.
I thought I’d work at school or in a nursery
but I couldn’t get a clean report from the CRB.
I worked a day in Tesco, but they didn’t like my smile
or the way I lingered in the sweets and chocolate aisle.
I’m fit for work, unfit to employ
a thousand applications and still no joy
and yet I fear the worst is still to come for me;
I’m being investigated under Operation Yew Tree.